My brothers and sisters, I'm grateful to the choir for that stirring and inspiring music, and I thank President Edgren for that introduction.
I'm pleased to be here in Oakland. To those of you who are here, and to those of you who are in other locations, I say thank you for your presence.
I'm glad to speak to this audience of 18- to 30-year-old young adults. Our youngest daughter is in this age bracket, so are 15 of our 28 grandchildren. So, I have a special interest in 18- to 30-year-olds.
In speaking to you, I'm speaking to the future. You are the future leaders of business, of education, of science, of cities, states and nations, and of the Church. Even more important, you are the future leaders of the families of the Church.
In preparation for this evening, I studied the talk given at the last CES Fireside for Young Adults. The date was Sunday, February 6th, and the setting was the Marriott Center at BYU. The speaker was Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve. For me, studying his talk was both edifying and poignant.
You'll remember that Elder Nelson ask you, quote, to think about yourself, not as you are, but as you may become 50 years from now. He asks, what do you want to be 50 years from now? He then gave a great message on faith and families. He told about his own life, and that of his dear companion, Dantzel. He talked about their long struggle to get an education. He talked about the choices they had made in their married life, seeking first the Kingdom of God.
Faith, he said, had been the lodestar of their married life. He recalled the fact that he had not sent a bill for surgical services until he had been out of medical school for more than 12 years. By then, they had five children. You can imagine the faith they exercised and the sacrifices they made to go forward with their family as Dr. Nelson completed his long period of professional preparation.
If you heard Elder Nelson's great message at this April conference, you know why it was poignant for me to read his CES talk, given last February 6th. In that talk, he paid a wonderful and deserved tribute to his dear companion. Just six days later, she died suddenly.
Truly, as Elder Nelson taught us, life has some unexpected surprises, and it is well for each of us not only to look ahead to what we want to be in 50 years, but also to live day by day so that we are always ready if we are suddenly summoned home.
Last week, I was talking to a member of the Quorum of the Twelve about comments we had received on our April conference talks. My friend said someone told him, I surely enjoyed your talk. We agreed this is not the kind of comment we like to receive. As my friend said, I didn't give that talk to be enjoyed. What does he think I am, some kind of entertainer?
[LAUGHTER]
Another member of our Quorum joined the conversation by saying, that reminds me of the story of a good minister. When a parishioner said, I surely enjoyed your sermon today, the minister replied, in that case, you didn't understand it.
[LAUGHTER]
You may remember that this April conference, I spoke on pornography. No one told me they enjoyed that talk.
[LAUGHTER]
Not even one.
[LAUGHTER]
In fact, there was nothing enjoyable in it, even for me.
I speak of these recent conversations to teach the principle that a message given by a general authority at a general conference, a message prepared under the influence of the Spirit, to further the work of the Lord, is not given to be enjoyed. It is given to inspire, to edify, to challenge, or to correct. It is given to be heard under the influence of the Spirit of the Lord with the intended result that the listener learns from the talk and from the Spirit what he or she should do about it.
King Benjamin understood that principle, and explained it. His great sermon that is recorded in the first few chapters of the book of Mosiah begins with these words, quote, my brethren, all ye that have assembled yourselves together, you that can hear my words which I shall speak unto you this day, I have not commanded you to come up hither to trifle with the words which I shall speak, but that you should harken unto me, and open your ears that you may hear, and your hearts, that ye may understand.
As this prophet king taught, when we come to hear a servant of the Lord, we are not to trifle with the words that he speaks. It is our duty to open our ears to hear, and our hearts to understand, and what we should seek to understand is what we should do about the message.
I feel sure that is what King Benjamin meant because he said later in his great message, and now, if you believe all these things, see that ye do them. Please remember that principle as I speak to you on this Sabbath day.
I titled my talk, "The Dedication of a Lifetime." I borrowed this title from something said by Governor Adlai E. Stevenson of Illinois, who was the Democratic Party candidate for President of the United States in 1952 and 1956. He was a fine man, and would have been president if he had not been running against a very popular opponent, Dwight D. Eisenhower.
In speaking to an American legion convention, Stevenson gave this wise statement about patriotism, quote, what we need are not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime.
I like that. Not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime. I will use this description of patriotism as a formula for how we should live the gospel.
Some people live the gospel with short, frenzied outburst of emotion, followed by long periods of lapse, or by performance that is intermittent or sputtering. What we need in living the gospel is the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime.
So, what does it mean to obey the commandments, to keep our covenants, or to serve the Lord with the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime? It means to be a 100% Latter-day Saint 100% of the time. In scriptural terms, it means to follow the direction King Benjamin gave to his people, quote, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works that Christ, the Lord God, omnipotent, may seal you His, end quote. It means to follow the plea Father Lehi gave to a wavering son, O that thou mightest be likened to this valley, firm and steadfast and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord, end of quote.
The dedication of a lifetime requires one to be steady and tranquil, steadfast and immovable. We hold fast to our covenants and to the leadership and teachings of the servants of the Lord so that we will, as the Apostle Paul wrote, be no more children tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine. That is our standard and our goal.
This steadfast requirement requires us to avoid extremes. Our performance should be the steady 100% of a committed servant, not the frenzied and occasional 120% of the fanatic.
A valued teacher I had at BYU many years ago gave this definition of a fanatic. Quote, a fanatic is one who has lost sight of his goal, but redoubled his efforts to get there, end of quote. That definition has been a good guide to me throughout my life, and I commend it to you. Don't seek to prove your dedication by fanatical excesses, or by other evidence of holier than thou. We pay our tithing, but we remember that tithing is a steady 10%, not 8%, and especially not intermittent or frenzied outbursts of 12%.
This reminds me of the concerns President Harold B. Lee expressed to me when I was president of BYU. Shortly before the Provo Temple was dedicated, he told me he was concerned that this nearby temple would cause some BY students to attend so often that they would neglect their studies. He urged me to work with the BYU stake presidents to make sure that the students understood that even something as important as temple service needed to be done in wisdom and order, so that the students would not neglect the studies that should be their major focus during their student years at BYU.
Over a decade ago, I gave a talk called, "Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall." I talked about what happens when we take a good principle or commandment and apply it to excess. I gave 20 examples. I've adapted five of these to my current plea that we practice the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime, rather than what Governor Stevenson called short, frenzied outburst of emotion.
Appropriately enough, my first example concerns patriotism. Even love of country, if carried to excess, can harm us spiritually. There are some citizens whose patriotism, as they define it, is so frenzied and all-consuming that it seems to override every other responsibility, including family and church.
For example, we hear of some patriots, so-called, who are participating in, or provisioning, private armies and making private preparations for armed conflict. Their excessive zeal for one aspect of patriotism is injuring them spiritually, as they withdraw from the society of the Church, and separate themselves from the governance of civil authorities to whom are article of faith makes all of us subject.
My second example concerns persons who have an all-encompassing commitment to one particular doctrine or commandment of the gospel of Jesus Christ. This could be an extraordinary focus on family history work, an unusually intense preoccupation with constitutional government, or some other exclusive occupation.
In a memorable message given at the 1971 October conference, Elder Boyd K. Packer likened the fullness of the gospel to a piano keyboard. He reminded us that a person could be attracted by a single key, such as a doctrine they want to hear played over and over again. He explained some members of the Church who should know better pick out a hobby key or two and tap them incessantly. They lose track that there is a fullness of the gospel, which they reject in preference to a favorite note. This becomes exaggerated and distorted, leading them away to a apostasy, end of quote.
We could say of such persons, as the Lord said of the members of the Shaker sect, that they desire to know the truth in part, but not all. And so I say, beware of the hobby key. If you tap one key to the exclusion or serious detriment of the full harmony of the gospel keyboard, you are deviating from the recommended steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime.
In the midst of these examples of the danger of good principles carried to excess, I must confess one of my own deficiencies. You've heard the old adage, be not the first by whom the new is tried, nor yet the last to lay the old aside. When it comes to the technological marvels of this generation, like the computer, I suppose I am the last to lay the old aside.
I still use a manual typewriter. For over 50 years, I have written letters and memoranda, and composed part of my talks on a succession of manual typewriters. A few years ago, the latest of these, my trusty, old, manual, portable typewriter, finally wore out. I began to look for a replacement. It was not easy to find.
The generation of technology that followed the manual typewriter was the electric typewriter. I skipped right over that generation. Next came word processing equipment and computers with increasing levels of sophistication, like my capable secretary, Margie McKnight, used to produce numerous drafts of this talk. Computers are what stores sell today, so I shouldn't have been surprised when young salesmen gave me blank stares when I asked for a portable, manual typewriter. One imaginative fellow proudly produced an electric typewriter, small and light enough to be carried from one electric outlet to another, and asked if that was what I wanted.
Finally, I found a small shop with the grizzled, old proprietor who knew what a portable, manual typewriter was. He still had one in the back room, and I was thrilled to purchase it. The proprietor was a little puzzled about what I was going to do with it. He was to polite to ask, but he made a guess. As he handed me my new portable typewriter, he said, we don't sell very many of these. You must do a lot of camping.
[LAUGHTER]
True story.
I continue with a third example of the contrast between steady dedication and short, frenzied outbursts of emotion. A willingness to sacrifice all that we possess in the work of the Lord is surely a mark of dedication. In fact, it is a covenant we make in sacred places. But this must be carefully confined to those sacrifices the Lord and his leaders have asked of us at this time.
We should say with Alma, quote, why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I've been called, end of quote. Persons who consider it insufficient to pay their tithes and offerings, and to work in the positions to which they've been called, can easily be led astray by cultist groups offering what I will call frenzied outlets for their willingness to sacrifice.
A fourth example concerns goals. There is great strength in being focused on our goals. We've all seen the good fruits of that focus. Yet, an intense focus on goals can cause a person to forget the importance of righteous means. When that happens, a commendable, steady dedication can be transformed into a dangerous frenzy of excess.
A fifth area in which we must pursue the steady course and avoid frenzied excess concerns finances. We are commanded to give to the poor. Could the fulfillment of that fundamental Christian obligation be carried to excess? Yes, it can. I've seen it. Perhaps you've also seen persons who fulfilled a duty to give to the poor to such an excess they impoverished their own families by expending resources of property or time that were needed by family members.
To use an old agricultural expression, we should not eat our seed corn. Such an excess would deprive us of the ability to plant and harvest next year's crop, from which to support our families and give to the poor.
King Benjamin, who commanded his people to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick, and administer to their relief, often cautioned them to see that all these things are done in wisdom and order, for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength, end of quote.
As I conclude my five examples, I need to issue a caution. The principal I have espoused, that we should pursue steady dedication, and avoid frenzied excesses, could be understood as implying that we should have moderation in all things. Not so.
The Savior commanded us to serve with all our heart, might, mind, and strength, to seek earnestly the riches of eternity, and to be valiant in the testimony of Jesus. He has also told us that if we are lukewarm, He will spew us out of His mouth. The thrust of my examples is that we should be steadfast and consistent in our dedication, our commitment, and our efforts.
I've tried to give examples of the importance of a lifetime of steadfast dedication, and I've warned against the dangers of carrying good principles to excess. If I've not yet succeeded in challenging you to look to your own behavior, perhaps my last subject will do so.
In his address at the BYU commencement exercise two weeks ago, Elder Earl C. Tingey referred to an article in a recent issue of Time Magazine about young people of your age. It states that the years from 18 to 25 have become, quote, a distinct and separate life stage, a strange transitional never-never land between adolescence and adulthood in which people stall for a few extra years, postponing adult responsibility, end of quote.
The article describes these transitional individuals as, quote, permanent adolescents, 20-something Peter Pans, end of quote.
[LAUGHTER]
Putting this analysis in terms more familiar to his audience of BYU graduates and their families, Elder Tingey spoke of, quote, the indecision some college graduates have in accepting the responsibilities of marriage and family, end of quote. This tendency to postpone adult responsibilities, including marriage and family, is surely visible among our LDS young adults. The average age at marriage has increased in the last few decades, and the number of children born to LDS married couples has decreased.
Elder Nelson's fireside message three months ago, "Faith and Families," spoke of this subject, and it is also part of my theme, "The Dedication of a Lifetime." I will therefore conclude by sharing some concerns about some current practices in the relationships of young LDS singles in North America.
Knowledgeable observers report that dating has nearly disappeared from college campuses and among young adults generally. It has been replaced by something called "hanging out."
[LAUGHTER]
You apparently know what this is. But I will describe it for the benefit of those of us who are middle-age or older, or otherwise uninformed. Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating. For the benefit of some of you who are not middle-age or older, I also may need to describe what dating is.
[LAUGHTER]
Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport.
[LAUGHTER]
Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases. [LAUGHTER]
What has made dating an endangered species? I'm not sure, but I can see some contributing factors.
One, the cultural tides in our world run strongly against commitments in family relationships. For example, divorce has been made legally easy, and childbearing has become unpopular. These pressures against commitments obviously serve the Devil's opposition to the Father's plan for His children. That plan relies on covenants and commitments kept. Whatever draws us away from commitments weakens our capacity to participate in the plan. Dating involves commitments, if only for a few hours. Hanging out requires no commitments, at least not for the man, if the women provide the food and shelter.
[LAUGHTER]
Number two, the leveling effect of the women's movement has contributed to discourage dating. As women's options have increased, and some have become more aggressive, some men have become reluctant to take the traditional male initiatives, such as asking for dates, lest they be thought to qualify for the dreaded label of male chauvinist.
Three, hanging out is glamorized on TV programs about singles.
Four, the meaning and significance of a date has also changed in such a way as to price dating out of the market. I saw this trend beginning among our younger children. For whatever reason, high school boys felt they had to do something elaborate or bizarre to ask for a date, especially for an event like a prom, and girls felt they had to do likewise to accept. In addition, a date had to be something of an expensive production. I saw some of this on the BYU campus during the '70s. I remember seeing a couple having a dinner catered by friends on the median strip between lanes of traffic just south of the BYU football stadium.
All of this made dating more difficult. And the more elaborate and expensive the date, the fewer the dates. And as dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies a seriousness or continuing commitment. That expectation discourages dating even more. Gone is the clumsy and inexpensive phone calls your parents and grandparents and I use to make. That call went something like this, what are you doing tonight? How about a movie? Or, how about taking a walk downtown?
Cheap dates like that can be frequent and non-threatening since they don't seem to imply a continuing commitment. Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to shop around in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others, and how you're treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out.
My younger brothers and sisters, follow the simple dating pattern, and you don't need to do your shopping on the internet, through chat rooms, or dating services, two alternatives that can be very dangerous, or at least unnecessary or ineffective.
There's another possible contributing factor to the demise of dating and the prominence of the culture of hanging out. For many years, the Church has counseled young people not to date before age 16. Perhaps some young adults, especially men, have carried that wise counsel to excess--
[LAUGHTER]
--and determined not to date before 26, or maybe even 36. Men, if you ever return from your mission, and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counsel to follow when you were 15, it's time for you to grow up.
[LAUGHTER]
Gather your courage, and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship. It's marriage time. That is what the Lord intends for his young son's, adult sons, and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it.
If you don't know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A date must pass the test of three P's. Planned ahead, paid for, and paired off.
Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don't make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where young women provide the food. Don't subsidize freeloaders.
[LAUGHTER]
An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, you should lock up the pantry and bolt the doors.
If you do this, you should also hang out a sign, "Will open for individual dates," or something like that. And young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we're to persuade young man to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.
Finally, young women, if you turn down a date, be kind. Otherwise, you may crush a nervous and shy questioner and destroy him as a potential dater, and that could hurt some other sister. My single young friends, we counsel you to channel your associations with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football.
Marriage is not a group activity. At least, not until the children come along in goodly numbers.
Sisters, you seem to have enjoyed my primary concentration on the responsibilities of single men. Now, I have a few words for single women.
[LAUGHTER]
Sisters, if you are just marking time waiting for a marriage prospect, stop waiting. You may never have the opportunity for a suitable marriage in this life, so stop waiting and start moving. Prepare yourself for life, even a single life by education, experience, and planning. Don't wait for happiness to be thrust upon you. Seek it out in service and learning. Make a life for yourself, and trust in the Lord. Your dedication of a lifetime should follow King Benjamin's advice to be, quote, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, end of quote.
Now sisters, single sisters, I have an expert witness to put on the stand at this time. It's my wife, Kristen, who, as an adult, was single for about 35 years before we married. And I'm going to invite her to come forward and say what is in her heart to the single sisters.
I was married in my middle 50s. I feel like I'm becoming the poster girl for "old."
[LAUGHTER]
Thank you, Elder Oaks.
I felt so much to tell you how much you're loved by your Heavenly Father before I start. We're in Oakland, and I'd been at the visitor center across the way with the President of the mission here, and we saw the Christus and the message of the living Christ, and it went into my heart. This is your time, and make it count by dedicating it to your Heavenly Father.
I love Elder Packer, he talks about the Atonement. It's not something that happens at the end of our life, it happens every day of our life. And I would say this to single sisters, make it count.
It can be very painful to be single for such a long time, especially in a church of families. I know how it feels. It was my 50th birthday, and my brother-in-law was reading the paper, and I walked across. They were having a dinner. I walked across the room, and he says, hey, it says here in the paper that your chances of getting killed by a terrorist are now greater than your chances of getting married.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm sorry.
So, I know that dating seems difficult when he said that, but don't give up, it's not a terrorist activity.
[LAUGHTER]
I would also say to you, be balanced. As a single woman, I had to go on and I actually got a doctorate, and so I became so involved in my profession that I forgot about being a good person. And I would say to everyone in this room, always remember your first calling is as a mother or as a father, and developed those talents, the domestic talents, and the talents of love, and the talents of service. And I had to go searching for service projects, and now I have one across the table.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm so thankful for that.
In closing, I think about painful times in our life, and they will happen whether you're single, or whether you're married. You might have a child who's very ill, or someone close to you die, or a period in your life that is very lonely. You might lose a job, or have a situation that you have no control over, such as a lingering disease.
I would ask you to consecrate that to Heavenly Father. In Helaman 35:3, if we turn our hearts, we yield our hearts unto God, all our actions serve to sanctify us, and so any time is a blessed time. There is no wasted time.
You are my favorite group in the world. You're most dear to me because I know what it feels like to be in your shoes, and I was in them for a very long, long time. And I want you to know, I know this is the Church of the living God, it's the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And it is His Church. I'm so thankful we have a living prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. And most of all, I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, because he would be my best friend when I felt that there was no one else to love me. And I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Amen.
Thank you, Kristen.
Now, brothers and sisters, if you are troubled about something we have just said, please listen very carefully to what I will say now. Perhaps you're a young man feeling pressured by what I have said about the need to start a pattern of dating that can lead to marriage, or a young woman troubled by what we have said about needing to get on with your life.
If you feel you are a special case so that the strong counsel I have given doesn't apply to you, please don't write me a letter.
[LAUGHTER]
Why would I make this request? I've learned that the kind of direct counsel I have given results in a large number of letters from members who feel they are an exception, and they want me to confirm that the things I've said just don't apply to them in their special circumstance. I will explain why I can't offer much comfort in response to that kind of letter by telling you an experience I had with another person who was troubled by a general rule.
I gave a talk in which I mentioned the commandment, thou shalt not kill. Afterwards, a man came up to me in tears, saying that what I had said showed there was no hope for him. What do you mean, I ask him. He explained that he had been a machine gunner during the Korean War. During a frontal assault, his machine gun mowed down scores of enemy infantry. Their bodies were piled so high in front of his gun that he had is man push them away in order to maintain their field of fire. He had killed a hundred, he said, and now he must be going to hell, because I'd spoken of the Lord's commandment, thou shalt not kill.
The explanation I gave that man is the same explanation I give to you if you feel you are an exception to what I've said. As a general authority, it is my responsibility to preach general principles. When I do, I don't try to define all the exceptions. There are exceptions to some rules. For example, we believe the commandment is not violated by killing pursuant to a lawful order in an armed conflict. But don't ask me to give an opinion on you're exception. I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord.
The Prophet Joseph Smith taught the same thing in another way when he was asked how he governed such a diverse group of Saints. He said, I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves. In what I've just said, I'm simply teaching correct principles and inviting each one of you to act upon those principles by governing yourself.
Brothers and sisters, it's been a thrill to be with you. I pray that the things that have been said this evening will be carried into your heart and understood by you through the power of the Holy Ghost with the same intent that they have been uttered, which is to bless your life, to give comfort to the afflicted, and to afflict the comforted.
[LAUGHTER]
This is the Church of Jesus Christ. He is our Savior. He died, he suffered, he died, in the terrible agony of Gethsemane and Calvary in order to give us the assurance of immortality and the opportunity for eternal life.
I pray that the Lord will bless each of us as we seek to keep the commandments of the Lord, to set our sights ever higher, to accomplish, in our day to day decisions, what I've called the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime. This is the Church of Jesus Christ, restored in these latter days, with the power of his priesthood and the fullness of his gospel. Of that, I bear witness, as I ask the blessings upon you, the blessings of the Lord, to my noble, single, adult brothers and sisters.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
(Elder Dallin H. Oaks, The Dedication of a Lifetime, May 1, 2005) ↗
