Avoidance

[Ian]

this month’s ensign includes an article by therapist lori cluff schade, called “marriage, technology, and emotional infidelity.” the article cites a well-known researcher named john gottman. gottman has been cited in various church publications over the years. he found that one of the most common ways to diminish trust in marriage is “not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict.” according to gottman, avoidance of conflict is one of the best predictors of divorce. lori cluff schade writes: “the real danger comes when the avoidance of conflict becomes deep-seated resentment.” another therapist, diane sollee, wrote that “the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.”

to avoid conflict is to avoid reality. conflicts exist in our families, whether we perceive them or not. there is opposition in all things. God will show to us things as they really are, if we are willing to receive the Holy Ghost. God said: “if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.” sometimes the truth seems unpleasant. we are tempted to avoid the truth. avoidance distorts reality. through conflict we can see things as they really are. elder neal a. maxwell taught that “trials and tribulations tend to squeeze the artificiality out of us.” (things as they really are, page 89)

in 1974 the church published a manual called “becoming a better parent.” page one of the manual states that “conflicts can produce growth.” the absence of conflict does not bring happiness. “many families who appear to be free of conflict are only free of the outward manifestations of conflict—arguing, debating, showing emotion, and openly disagreeing. under this blanket of silence lies much inner turmoil that constantly nags at the soul and destroys happiness.” one of the keys to happiness is conflict resolution.

in 1995 elder joe j. christensen stated: “Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them.”

in 2006 the church published a manual called “strengthening the family.” in a chapter called “resolving conflict,” the manual explains that “differences of opinion are inevitable,” but, “family members grow closer and become stronger when they resolve differences successfully. left unresolved, conflicts destroy family relationships and cause sorrow among family members.” in another chapter called “parenting principles and practices,” the manual explains that “permissive” parents “avoid confrontations.” on the other hand, parents who “willingly confront their children” take an approach that is most consistent with the scriptures.

the Savior taught that we must confront and resolve family conflicts before we can enter into His presence: “whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger… Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.”

we should not avoid confrontation and conflict, but we must avoid contention. king benjamin taught: “beware lest there shall arise contentions among you.” alma taught “that there should be no contention.” the Savior taught: “he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil.” we’ll need the Spirit to help us confront each other and resolve our conflicts, without contention.

the Savior commanded us to “love one another.” the opposite of love is avoidance. as long as conflict exists between two people, their relationship lives. when two people avoid each other, their relationship dies.

[Tuly]

Amen! - when I was young I felt that my parents tried to avoid some issues we were having as a family so that they could protect me from being hurt or heaven forbid pray about it. I guess that is why later in my youth I became more vocal about asking when I did not understand some situations that we were being challenged as a family, like when my dad died and where we would be living or how we would make ends meet. Children sense when parents are troubled and no communication is forth coming.

[Lily]

This is a tough one for me because I am such a natural at it, haha. I sometimes think I am saving myself if I push aside a conflict within me, and then try to do the same with conflicts with others? I am trying to be better, but I agree with these words and sentiments presented. Steve and I were just discussing this behavior, and how it can infiltrate all our relationships, including with God. I am reminded of Elder Christofferson's talk on chastening and Elder Holland's talk about the cost of discipleship. I am grateful for family members, children, and especially a husband who is patient with me when I get into an escapist mode in talking about hard things, differing opinions, or conflicts. This working through difficulty is things as they really are, and how they are meant to be in order for these familial relationships to be nurtured. But feeling really bad about how I handle conflict doesn't make me better at handling it. I have to confront it and try, try, try to remember that it is offering my relationships vitality and growth. Thanks for the quotes, Ian.

[Tuly]

Thank you Lily, I know that took a lot of courage on your part.

[Steve]

Yes, great post, Ian! I just shared some thoughts on "peacemakers" in the religious freedom thread that touches on this. I think it's easy to admire the person who avoids all conflict because our image of them never shows them clashing with others. Therefore, it would seem that all is peace and harmony with them and we might even think they're more "loving" than those who frequently engage others. On the surface, this seems like a very positive trait. However, I think that the greatest peacemakers have eternal peace as their goal, which peace is dependent on obedience and righteousness.

Consider the description of Melchizedek:

But Melchizedek having exercised mighty faith, and received the office of the high priesthood according to the holy order of God, did preach repentance unto his people. And behold, they did repent; and Melchizedek did establish peace in the land in his days; therefore he was called the prince of peace...

(Alma 13:18) ↗

The prince of peace preached repentance to his people for which he was awarded the title. Consider Elder Holland's remarks (referenced by Lily above) in this light:

Sadly enough, my young friends, it is a characteristic of our age that if people want any gods at all, they want them to be gods who do not demand much, comfortable gods, smooth gods who not only don’t rock the boat but don’t even row it, gods who pat us on the head, make us giggle, then tell us to run along and pick marigolds.

Talk about man creating God in his own image! Sometimes—and this seems the greatest irony of all—these folks invoke the name of Jesus as one who was this kind of “comfortable” God. Really? He who said not only should we not break commandments, but we should not even think about breaking them. And if we do think about breaking them, we have already broken them in our heart. Does that sound like “comfortable” doctrine, easy on the ear and popular down at the village love-in?

And what of those who just want to look at sin or touch it from a distance? Jesus said with a flash, if your eye offends you, pluck it out. If your hand offends you, cut it off. “I came not to [bring] peace, but a sword,” He warned those who thought He spoke only soothing platitudes. No wonder that, sermon after sermon, the local communities “pray[ed] him to depart out of their coasts.” No wonder, miracle after miracle, His power was attributed not to God but to the devil. It is obvious that the bumper sticker question “What would Jesus do?” will not always bring a popular response.

At the zenith of His mortal ministry, Jesus said, “Love one another, as I have loved you.” To make certain they understood exactly what kind of love that was, He said, “If ye love me, keep my commandments” and “whosoever … shall break one of [the] least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be … the least in the kingdom of heaven.” Christlike love is the greatest need we have on this planet in part because righteousness was always supposed to accompany it. So if love is to be our watchword, as it must be, then by the word of Him who is love personified, we must forsake transgression and any hint of advocacy for it in others. Jesus clearly understood what many in our modern culture seem to forget: that there is a crucial difference between the commandment to forgive sin (which He had an infinite capacity to do) and the warning against condoning it (which He never ever did even once).

(Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, The Cost—and Blessings—of Discipleship, April 2014 General Conference) ↗

Elder Holland helps us to be careful about our definition of "Christlike" and the related traits we would assign to Him when we avoid conflict and imagine such to be the pinnacle expression of charity. We must confront evil in ourselves and in our families.

Up, sanctify the people, and say, Sanctify yourselves against to morrow: for thus saith the Lord God of Israel, There is an accursed thing in the midst of thee, O Israel: thou canst not stand before thine enemies, until ye take away the accursed thing from among you.

(Joshua 7:13) ↗

[Ian]

to avoid contention, we need to understand what contention means. elder oaks wrote a chapter about avoiding contention in his book, the lord's way. he offered this definition:

Since this word and its variations (such as contend) have several meanings in the scriptures, it is necessary to emphasize that the kind of contention discussed in this chapter is synonymous with wrath, strife, angry disputes, and quarreling. This is the meaning expressed in the adjective contentious. (For examples, see Alma 9:1-4; 19:25-28; 21:5-6.) Holding different views or conversing about points of disagreement does not constitute this kind of contention. Neither does an argument or a debate, if (a big if) it can be done with a peaceful spirit and method. In short, the kind of contention treated here consists of disagreement plus a wrathful spirit or a quarrelsome method.

Dallin H. Oaks, The Lord's Way, Deseret Book 1991, p. 138

[John]

And to further understand "quarrelsome", here are a few synonyms:
captious, pugnacious, combative, antagonistic, contentious, bellicose, belligerent, cantankerous, choleric, scrappy.

[Ian]

church news published an interesting article a couple of years ago about preventing conflict from becoming contention. the article reports about a 2015 byu education week class taught by a consultant named kevin r. miller. i think he made some good points. conflict is a part of life. it is not to be feared or avoided. conflict comes about naturally when people care about things. the strength of a relationship often lies in its differences. conflict can be seen as an opportunity. if we view conflict as a threat, then we may become combative or evasive. if we view conflict as an opportunity, then we may find ways to resolve it creatively. the scriptures do not warn against conflict. the scriptures warn against contention. we need to be careful that conflict does not become contention in our relationships. the difference between conflict and contention is the element of anger. the natural body sometimes reacts to disagreement or conflict as if it were a threat, causing a fight or flight response. rather than fighting angrily against each other, and rather than escaping from each other to avoid conflicts, we can peacefully resolve our conflicts.