The Twilight Series

[Edward]

STOP USING MY NAME IN VAIN

[Tuly]

Oh wow! the effect of this book has been worse than I thought I actually heard that the movie was better, because Bella is not whinny like the book. And who could portray Edward?, (will call him Ed to protect the innocent)the author described him as basically perfect. Who can portray "perfect"?, there is no method acting technique that could do that.

[Ian]

wait, are you being sarcastic?

[Tuly]

No!! - and I doubt any one in this family will have seen the movie or plans to.

[Ian]

ironically, mom got the twilight movie and is watching at this very moment... i tried to warn her and emma and angela, but they are all so captivated that they cannot tear themselves away!

so let this be a warning to you all -- do not underestimate the seductive power of twilight. the phenomenon continues to sweep the nation and the world, and it's even penetrated the confines of our home.... our home! who can resist it? resistance is futile!

[Steve]

Pfffft, and people were giving me a hard time for creating a Facebook profile...

[Tuly]

Yes, we saw the movie. Despite Ian's feeble attempts to warn us. Since we borrowed the movie, it skipped a couple of times, and I think I took a little siesta in some of the "slower" parts, wait I think there were quite a few slow parts. The movie is not like the book, because Bella is actually not whining in the movie. And just as I thought, no one can play the role of Edward, because he is supposed to be perfect, hence no one can do that role. Actually I found the role of Edward whiny mixed with just poor acting. The movie was quite disjointed. Ah, well...

[Lily]

Umm, and you expected those 2 hours to be worthwhile? I mean, COME ON! And I would imagine Ian's attempts were anything but feeble.

So, you're burning your friend's movie now, right?

[Ian]

sorry mom, but you're not fooling me with that nonsense about falling asleep during the movie, etc. etc. etc... you're also careful to point out that you borrowed the movie rather than purchase it. these feeble excuses do not hide the fact that you are deeply enamored by the whole twilight series and wasted no time getting your hands on the dvd. in fact there are several young women in our family who could not resist the urge to watch this movie and who privately indulge in reading the books.... yet publicly you denounce stephanie meyer and the twilight series.... it's really quite pitiful.

[Edward]

Oh the hypocrisy! The unthinkable treachery! Is there no end to this horror? Will this woman stop at nothing?!?

The indulgence of this series in our home must END NOW!!! No more movies! No more books! No more Vampire's made-up looks! KILL THE BEAST! KILL THE BEAST!!!

[Tuly]

I will still denounce Stephanie Meyer and further more yes I'm a hyprocit(sp?) and not proud of it.

[Ian]

[Edward]

For those of you who have not read the books, congratulations! But in case you really want to know what happens in these "works," I present to you these basic plot summaries. In my Tolkien class groups were assigned to give presentation on various fiction writers who have made significant contributions to literature, which were C. S. Lewis, Orson Scott Card, J. K. Rowling, and Stephanie Meyer. My group presented on Scott Card, but the Meyer group, knowing my knack for giving brief if somewhat sarcastic plot synopses, asked me to write the fundamental plot summaries of each book for those that didn't have time to read them. Here's what I gave them:

Twilight:

Bella is a young girl with the remarkable ability to attract desperate boys of all shapes and sizes. One of these is Edward Cullen, a sparkling vampire cursed with being 16 forever. Bella is totally incompetent but Edward's unending list of super powers keeps her alive throughout 498 pages of descriptions highlighting every facet of Edward's impossible beauty which results in Bella's uncontrollable lust. Another vampire almost adds a plot to the story by wanting to kill Bella, but he dies.

New Moon:

Edward's brother attacks Bella on her birthday, so the whole Cullen family moves away because it seems like the logical thing to do. Bella then describes Edward's unspeakable beauty for about 300 pages. She then falls for Jacob, another desperate soul who is also a werewolf. His tribe of wolf-people vow to protect Bella from evil vampires who want to kill her to get revenge on Edward who killed the vampire who tried to kill Bella in Twilight some 563 pages earlier. Meanwhile Edward thinks Bella is dead and goes to Italy to ask an elitist council of vampires to kill him since his life is now obviously not worth living. Unfortunately Bella arrives in time to save him, and the council then tells Edward that Bella must either die or become a vampire. Edward's family chooses the latter for him. Edward's depression is monumental.

Eclipse:

Edward proposes to Bella and she accepts. She then proceeds to describe Edward's inhuman beauty for about 400 pages while in the rest of the world a battle ensues between the evil vampires and the good vampires who have allied themselves with the wolf people. During the fight Edward, Bella, and Jacob go camping. Jacob finds out about the engagement and becomes mad. In order to fix things, the confused and totally inept Bella kisses him and then decides she is in love with Edward and Jacob. The evil army is destroyed, and then Bella tells Jacob that she loves Edward more. She discusses his lusty good looks and inescapable beauty for about 50 pages. Jacob is sad and runs away.

Breaking Dawn:

Bella and Edward marry and she becomes pregnant with their half-breed spawn. Edward suggests an abortion which she denies. She then talks about Edward's unending beauty for about 200 pages. Meanwhile the wolf-people want to kill the child, but they don't. The birth almost kills Bella so Edward makes her a vampire. Later, a vampire named Irina tells the vampire council in Italy that the child was illegally created by Edward's family. They discover that this is not true and then kill Irina because she was wrong. They next wonder if they should kill the child in case being a half-breed would pose a threat, but then a 150 year old half breed appears which somehow is enough to prove that they are not. Bella takes a final 400 odd pages to describe Edward's god-like beauty one final time. Edward and Bella live happily ever after while Jacob returns and suddenly falls in love with the infant yet already self-aware wonder child.

I'm not making any of this up you know!

[Steve]

asked me to write the fundamental plot summaries of each book for those that didn't have time to read them

But...how could you give the summaries...unless...you READ THEM YOURSELF?!!!

[Edward]

I have read them. I took Juvenile Literature last semester and needed to write on a book which we wouldn't recommend to students, and why we were opposed to said books. The series was perfect, and now when I tell girls that I hate the books, I can also tell them WHY.

The movies, however, I can't believe some people are watching. I mean, wasn't the book enough torture as it is? Doesn't every aspect of Edward's glittering goodness get described in enough detail as to render totally needless the visualization of it on screen? At least I got a GPA boost when I read the books; what can you possibly be gaining from watching the movies? Answer me!